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Haunted by the memory of you. L, Perhaps all this is just me being maudlin. Nostalgic at inappropriate times. I know you've moved on, a woman as amazing as you is surely to have done so. I wish you all the happiness in the world, I truly do. That being said, not a day goes by, not a minute, not a second, and not a breath passes without something reminding me of you. Long talks deep into the night, shared over a glass of wine for you, a glass of beer for me. I remember so much now that my head is clear, sobriety has taken hold. I live with the memories of you, of us. Our adventures and misadventures warm my heart, yet there at the end...all those terrible things I did and said. I live in shame for it all. It burns me, deep within woman want hot sex Cleona Pennsylvania my core, so deep where the ache of all this that was lost resides. Sometimes its too much, I can hardly breathe from its oppressive weight bearing me down. And yet...the memory of your smile, of your brings me back from the brink. Here within a few weeks it'll years since I last saw you in person. The memory of that day makes me wish so utterly and terribly that I had stayed. You, in the watching as I pulled away in my jeep, tears in your eyes. I sometimes play the "What If" scenario, yet deep down I know had I stayed at that time, where I was at emotionally and mentally, I would have imploded. In some ways, moving back home was a good thing. That's no excuse for my actions, nothing could ever excuse all that. Yet I know had you seen my downward spiral of self it would have hurt you more then my actions had done. The sleepless nights with only a bottle for company, the inevitable prescription . Things in my head were awful, I wanted to die so badly. I was lost in the dark recesses of my mind. I had lost my way from the man you deserved. However there is that damnable what if bastard that pops up. Had I stayed, had we as a couple survived my nose dive to rock bottom, you would have pulled me back. Helped me find myself again. Questions and scenarios like that plague me so much. I wish we could speak again. Wish I could share with you my story, my ideas, my miracle that God granted me that gave me reason to claw my way back to sanity and out of the of despair I had fallen into. Its bittersweet though, for I so desperately wish this miracle could have been ours to have and to share. For now, with me, its steps. The daily fight not to slide down that again, focusing on one thing at a time while I repair myself and my relationships with so many people. I desperately wish I could the hurt I've done you. Bridge that gap I wedged between us so we could share friendship once again. Should you read this (a miracle in itself) I wish you would speak to me again. Until then I'll live my life day by day, live with the hurt and the longing and the memories of us and the time we shared. Yes, I'll live with the bad as well, I have to right? I deserve to. May we meet again, in this life or the next.

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