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Just another vague posting to an anonymous audience w4m I don't know what it is. I don't know what to make of it. All I know is I just feel this empty hole....a hole where you used to exist....a hole that you now own. It's funny because you never loved me like I do you. I sent you the most gut wrenching email, filled with passion and love, and you laughed in my face. Made a joke of it. And now here I am...months later...heart still aching for you. Our time together wasn't like the rest. Our relationship together was...chaotic, yes, but filled with so much passion it was unbearable. I have never loved anyone as much you. Your mind, body, and soul....perfectly collided with mine. Our relationship together...penetrated levels that many others can't understand. But we got each other, to some extent. It was this pleasurable mixture of both understanding and discovery, knowledge and intimacy, love and hate....but most intriguing, was the intertwining of two restless souls, filled with a thirst for life and hollow with a need for intimacy that we both know we can never reach. We are the same person as much as we are different. And the love we had for one another hurt as much as it brought joy. I will never forget the one time you told me you loved me...in bed together....and all I wanted was to cry. Instead, I choked back my tears. And pretended you never said anything. I want you to know that I'm okay. That I don't need you anymore. I'm actually quite happy...have done everything I can to make a life of my own. My life is good....chaotic, yet again, but good. I have friends that love me. And I love them. I've adopted some of your philosophy, though. Altered it a bit to my own liking. But I must give credit to you first for teaching me....pointing towards a certain direction, I suppose. Maybe I did it because I love you...everything about you. Or maybe I did it because I don't want anyone to hurt me the way you did again. Either way, I'm okay. Either way, I've found my relationships changing....I am a teacher as much as a student....passing on the complacency of simplicity, the state of consciousness that's hard to reach. I've reached a point in my life where the amount of love in my life exceeds more than I've ever known. Friends, family, strangers, enemies, boyfriends, lovers....it's difficult to comprehend, difficult to manage. Especially when I'm lying in bed with my lover and I turn over to sleep. I think of you. I think of the days we used to lie around naked, making love, drinking, smoking..... it was like we shared a secret that no one could ever understand. You and me. That was it. We could run sexy housewives wants sex tonight Englewood away together to California, grow a garden, make our own wine, and bask in the company of one another. And then it's even more heart wrenching....because he'll reach over, want me to lay on his chest, and fall asleep together.....when all I want to do is turn over and fall asleep to the memories of you. Fall asleep alone if I can't have you. He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong, I do care for him....but jesus, babe, it was never about the other men! It was all about YOU. You never understood that. And you would always hold it against me. Just as you are doing now. I do have many men that love me. I do have many men that just want to sleep with me. That's life. I understand now. We all develop relationships with one another. It's impossible to categorize these relationships into neat little boxes. Because they're not neat and clean, black and white. Our minds can be very troubling. Just as much as they can be beautiful, they cause despair. For that is what life is....a perception. A perceptive reality. And babe, you cannot lie to yourself, you had the same kind of relationships as me. I wasn't that gullible. I knew when you lied to me. I knew when you saw other women. And yes, it upset me. But you were doing the same as I. Yet, you hold a grudge. Yet, I am the only one in the wrong. Interesting, right? The hypocrisy. Contradiction. Oxymoron. Of our relationship. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe you don't love me as much as I do you. But I still feel a part of you. Inside of me. Maybe it's just my dreamer soul. My soul that yearns for what is not there. The constant yearning for something more. The endless search for depth and passion. I don't know. All I know and all I really wanted to say, is that I still love you. I still think of you. And I'm still here....if you ever care to let go of that ego....put down that wall....and explore a higher understanding.

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